If It Meant Living-35: Samara

If It Meant Living - Chapter 35
"Samara"

Title: If It Meant Living – Chapter 35:  "Samara"
Author: Graceyn
Game: Mass Effect/Mass Effect 2
Characters/pairing: femShep/Kaidan
Disclaimer: Bioware owns all rights to Mass Effect and its characters
Content Warning: Violence, Language

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Author's Note:  This is an expansion of the one-shot If It Meant Living. The title comes from one of Graceyn Shepard's core characteristics: "she was never afraid to risk dying if it meant living in the process."   The focus is on perspective and character development rather than following the specific events, so even if you have played ME 1-2 many times, you should be entertained.

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                                                                                                   PERSONAL JOURNAL OF COMMANDER GRACEYN SHEPARD

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CATEGORY:  SR-2 Team Members
SUBJECT:  Samara
LAST UPDATE:  11 days before Activation of Omega-4 Relay

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FIRST ENTRY:  1 month, 14 days until activation of Omega 4 Relay

I added a warrior monk to the team today.  Samara (she doesn't appear to have a last name) is a Justicar of the Asari people, a member of an ancient monastic order that follow a strict code and use it to punish the wicked and protect the pure.  Or so I am told.  My first sight of her was certainly of her punishing the wicked.  We'll see about the 'protecting the pure' part.

Convincing her to join me was a largely run-of-the-mill affair – infiltrate the Eclipse mercenary headquarters, inevitably kill all of them we come across, and acquire the name of a ship on which Eclipse had recently smuggled an Asari criminal off-world.

When it came time for Samara to join me though, the most astonishing thing happened.  Samara indicated that in order to follow me – to supplant her code with my orders – she needed to swear a particular oath.  Then she knelt, began glowing in a brilliant biotic shimmer, and intoned in a reverent voice:  "By the Code I will serve you, Shepard.  Your choices are my choices.  Your morals are my morals.  Your wishes are my code."

It was definitely unlike any oath of fealty any crew member had ever given me before.  It was beautiful.

I am not really sure what to make of the Justicars though, or of Samara herself.  All day long people tried to explain to me what Justicars were, and all day long they mostly failed.  Justicars seem almost to be freelance bounty hunters, but they have no employers.  They hear of or encounter a bad guy, an evil act, and they exact justice.  They are both respected and feared by Asari, and apparently are recognized as "law" in Asari space.

But their "code", their approach to right and wrong, good and evil, is the most rigid, black-and-white outlook I have ever encountered.  There is no room for mercy, for discretionary judgment.  The code says what is right, and what is wrong, and what action must thus be taken.  

I asked Samara tonight how much she knew about our mission, what else she needed to know.  She replied that she had sworn an oath to follow me, and I sought to destroy the Collectors, and that was enough for her.  I pushed – didn't she want to know why the Collectors needed to be fought?  She replied stoically.  "When you live by a Code that compels you to harsh action, you learn the dangers of curiosity.  If I must kill a man because he has done wrong, do I really wish to know that he is a devoted father?"

I refuse to believe there is danger in curiosity.  I recognize that Samara is admired, looked up to as a champion of justice by her people.  But her philosophy goes against a lot of what I know to be true, what I have learned over a lifetime of making hard choices.  I believe in the power of redemption; I believe in second chances.  I believe that life is often complicated, and when it comes to whether a person lives or dies, the choice should never be easy.  

I've made a lot of hard choices – but I'm glad they were hard.  If they were easy, well, I'm not sure I would be worthy to make them.  

The fact that Samara does not trouble herself with such concerns…well, it bothers me.  She has sworn herself to me, in dramatic fashion, so I am fairly comfortable that should I order her to stay her hand on a mission, she will do so.  And I certainly have other team members whom I would never trust to make the hard choices.

Perhaps it is the fact that Samara presents herself to the world as a great arbiter of justice – and I'm just not at all sure that's true.

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SECOND ENTRY:  1 month, 9 days until activation of Omega 4 Relay

Wow.  While I may disagree with Samara's code and the view of life it has given to her, I have nothing but sympathy for her right now.  She is going to kill her daughter.

I would question how one could possibly do that, question the soul of someone who could do that – except that her daughter is a cold-blooded killer.  Morinth is a victim of her genetics, yes, but she had a choice.  Even in the most unfair of circumstances, everyone has a choice…even if it is only the smallest choice of how they respond to those circumstances.  The alternative presented to her was not appealing – a life as a prisoner, even in relative luxury, would certainly not be appealing to me.  Nonetheless, it was a choice.  Morinth chose to be a killer.  

So I will help Samara kill her daughter.

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THIRD ENTRY: 1 month, 7 days until activation of Omega 4 Relay

Morinth's latest victim had been a young girl named Neph.  We comforted her distraught mother and learned enough to track Morinth to the VIP section of Afterlife.  I leaned against the wall in the market and looked over at Samara.  "You've been tracking her for 400 years – how do you want to do this?"

"Storming her den would be a mistake; she'll have a hundred escape routes planned.  We need to lure her out."  Samara looked at me with haunted eyes.  "Shepard, I need you to be bait."

I thought about it for a moment, then nodded.  "I'll try.  But how do I get her attention?"

"You can draw her out.  You are an artist on the battlefield; you have the vital spark that attracts her.  Your power will draw her to you.  When you meet her, subtly encourage her to invite you back to her apartment; I will follow a safe distance behind, then break in once you are there."

"I make no promises, but it seems as good a plan as any."  I started to move towards Afterlife, but Samara grabbed my arm.

"Shepard, know this.  Until I get there, you will be in great peril.  She will plan to inflict great horrors on you; if you are not very careful, you will want her to."

I frowned.  "I doubt that I – "

She interrupted me.  "Shepard, this is not mere charisma or subtle manipulation.  Morinth possesses true power.  Her eyes will promise you things you were always scared to ask of another.  Her voice will whisper in your head after she is done speaking.  She will dominate your mind.  You must be careful."

This gave me pause.  "Samara, I want to help you, but I can't risk being turned into a vegetable.  Not now.  Well, not ever, but definitely not now."

She caught my gaze and held my eyes.  "Shepard, you are strong.  Incredibly strong, or I would not ask this of you.  You can resist her.  And I will come for you.  Trust me, as I trust and honor you."

It was unfair for me to ask such of her if I couldn't reciprocate.  I nodded.  "Okay."

***

I felt the beat pulse through me as I moved in time with its rhythm.  Dancing.  It was a secret guilty pleasure that I rarely had occasion to indulge in.  The lights kept time with me and with the music, creating a soulful and captivating experience.  For a moment I let myself forget that I was Commander Fucking Shepard, died and reborn to an impossible task.  I let the music consume me…I was just a girl, lost in the rhythm.

As I spun around I noticed an Asari bearing a striking resemblance to Samara.  She was leaning against the railing, perfectly still, staring at me.  Morinth.  I closed my eyes briefly – put aside the frivolous but wonderful diversion, prepared for the task at hand – then opened them.

When I spun around again I made a point to catch her eyes for a second.  Next time, my eyes traced the length of her as I smiled the slightest bit.  When I met her eyes again, she motioned with a hand.  Come here, it said.

I slowly danced my way over to her.

The entire time we were in Afterlife, I thought I was in control.  I fed her bullshit, responded to hers with appreciation and desire.  

Even once we were in her apartment, I thought I was in control.  I complimented her décor, her memorabilia.  I stalled.  But then she grabbed my arm as I walked by.

"Sit with me."  Her voice echoed in my head.  The compulsion to sit was overwhelming.  A chill ran down my spine, and I suddenly realized just how much danger I was really in.

"Look into my eyes."  I looked, but mentally tried not to see.  I imagined a wall behind my eyes, separating them from my brain.  But her voice was a snake; it slithered around the wall and into my mind.

"Tell me you want me,"  she whispered.  You want her, my mind whispered.

"Tell me you'd kill for me,"  she whispered.  You'd kill for her, my mind whispered.  

"Anything I want,"  she whispered.  You'd do anything she asked of you, my mind whispered.

In an incredible act of pure will…I closed my eyes.  No one would ever own me.  I shoved her voice out of my mind, then re-opened my eyes.

"No."

She recoiled.  "But you…who are you?"

At that moment, the door to the apartment crashed open and Samara ran in.

Morinth jumped up.  "Mother!"  she hissed, voice filled with venom.  The room exploded in mass effect fields.

My mind suddenly felt empty, hollow.  I shook my head roughly, blinked – and ducked as a lamp flew over me headed for Samara.  She knocked it away with a slight hand movement.

The violence broke the spell.  I looked up to see Morinth pinned against the window, four feet off the ground.  Samara was across the room, but her arm was outstretched, hand held in a claw-like form.

Morinth's gaze tore from her mother and flew to me.  "Shepard – I am as strong as her, stronger even!  Let me join you – I will follow you."

I stared at her with revulsion.  "I don't think so, Morinth."  

I glanced over at Samara.  She was shaking from the exertion of overpowering Morinth.  She took a deep breath.  

"Goodbye, daughter."  She clenched her fist and pulled.  Morinth flew off the window and slammed face-first to the floor.  Samara leaned down over her and grasped her head.  "Find peace in the embrace of the goddess."  With a wrench, she snapped Morinth's neck.

She knelt over the body for a moment, head hung low.  Then she stood up, back straight and head high, and looked at me.  "I am ready to leave this place and get on with my life."

I nodded but didn't move.  "Do you want to talk about it?"

She looked away.  "What can I say, Shepard?  I just killed the bravest and smartest of my daughters.  There are no words.  Show mercy on a broken old warrior and let us leave."

***

I'm afraid the encounter with Morinth has left me rather shaken.  I was not prepared for that – and I make it a point to be prepared for everything.  It was…an experience unlike any I have ever had.  

Well, is that really true?  Morinth in my mind was not entirely unlike the beacons forcing Prothean visions into my head…but it was both gentler and more demanding.  A whisper, swirling around my mind, insisting that I submit.  

I have to wonder – if I had not learned to deal with the Prothean visions, would I have been able to resist her?

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FOURTH ENTRY:  1 month, 4 days until activation of Omega 4 Relay

I went to check on Samara today.  I found her, as ever, meditating.  When I walked in, she stood up without turning around and walked to the large window looking out on the galaxy.

"Morinth haunted my waking hours and dreams alike.  For the first time in 400 years I am free.  I am a ruined vessel of sorrow and regret, but I am free.  It is not a feeling I can describe."

"Do you think you did the right thing?"

She turned around to me.  "It was never a choice.  I had to take the action I did…as did she.  This was never a story that would have a happy outcome."

To live with such sorrow, the crushing weight of such fatalism…it wasn't right.  It wasn't how life was supposed to be lived.  I walked up beside her, joining her in staring out at the stars.

"Samara, has your life always been one of sorrow?  Have you never known happiness, joy?"

She looked over at me.  "Fear not, Shepard.  The first 500 years of my life were filled with adventure.  I danced, I loved, I fought, I killed people, I saved people.  Eventually I settled down; I had my children.  I was ready to sit back, bask in my success and enjoy my family.  Then one day, I sat in a medlab and learned that nothing was as I thought it would be.  And my life changed forever."

I regarded her with some skepticism.  "It's just that – "

"Tell me, Shepard.  You shine with a vibrancy I have rarely seen; your every moment, every action, radiates with life.  Have you never known sorrow?"

I turned back to the window.  "I have."

"But it does not define you."

"No, it does not."  I looked back at her, kindness on my face.  "And that's my concern.  It seems to me that your sorrow defines you.  That it sets the course of your life.  I find that tragic."

She nodded thoughtfully.  "I cannot deny your point.  For now, the pain is too recent, too raw, for me to consider anything else.  But who knows – perhaps aiding you in saving humanity from the Collectors will change the course of my life."

I smiled.  "I would like that."

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FIFTH ENTRY:  25 days until activation of Omega 4 Relay

I glanced over at Samara.  "The Asari I've spoken with seem conflicted about Justicars…"

We were sitting side by side, facing the window to the stars.  With a view like that, I couldn't blame Samara for spending nearly all her time here.

She nodded thoughtfully.  "The people today are used to shades of gray; the Justicar Code is black and white.  I might seem a hero to many, but I would kill all of them if I had to."

I frowned.  "Sometimes justice calls for mercy."

"Shepard, the Code does not exist to bring about spiritual enlightenment.  Its purpose is to punish the wicked and protect the innocent."

"And when who is wicked and who is innocent is not clear?  What then?"

Samara was stoic.  "The Code defines the circumstances under which one is wicked or one is innocent."

I sighed audibly, and couldn't keep the annoyance from my voice.  "Well that's a relief."

"Shepard, I believe I understand the source of your frustration…when I prepared to leave Asari space, I studied the history of humans, this new ascendant species of the galaxy.  You are more individualistic than any other species I have encountered.  It is not surprising that each of you believe you have the right to judge guilt and innocence."

I started to protest, but she waived me off.  "You, Shepard, may actually possess the wisdom and insight to make such judgments; most, however, do not."

I conceded the point with a slight nod.

She regarded me thoughtfully.  "Truthfully, you possess remarkably good judgment for one so young.  Your parents must have taught you well."

I stared out at the nebula passing by.  "My parents were killed when I was sixteen years old."

"Oh…I am truly sorry, Shepard."

I smiled at her then.  "It's okay.  It was a long time ago.  Anyway, you're still right.  They did – my father, especially – teach me what I needed before they were gone."

"That is good.  Still…I suspect you found much of what you needed within yourself already.  That is the way of the greatest amongst us."

I grinned a bit.  "The greatest amongst us?"

"Shepard, in the nearly thousand years of my life, I have seen many leaders rise and fall.  Some were worthy; many were not.  Though I have only known you a short time, I believe that you, my friend, are worthy."

I gazed at her, at a loss for words.  "I – thank you, Samara.  I am humbled.  I hope I can live up to your expectations."

She smiled.  "Of that I am certain.  I suspect the greater difficulty will be in living up to your own."

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SIXTH ENTRY:  11 days until activation of Omega 4 Relay

This evening I found myself at Samara's door.  I hadn't realized that's where I was headed.  But these days I found her presence increasingly…comforting.

She looked up and smiled when I walked in. "Shepard, I'm glad you came by.  There is something I've wanted to tell you."

I sat down next to her, by now a familiar setting.  "Please, you know you can speak your mind with me."

She nodded but didn't say anything for a moment.  "I've done many things in my life.  I thought the galaxy held nothing new for me.  Since joining you, however, I have begun to realize how much more there is, even still.  For all that I have been alive a thousand years, I spent much of that time in Asari space – there is so much of the galaxy I have never seen; entire species I have never met.  There is a lot of evil to be punished out there…but I suspect there are also a lot of people that could use my help.  Thank you, Shepard, for opening my eyes."

I tried to smile but didn't quite get there.  "I'm glad you are seeing the light beyond your own sorrow…"  My voice dropped to a whisper and I stared out the window as a brilliant sun came into view.  "I hope you get the chance to experience it."

"You are concerned we will not survive this mission."

I plastered a smile then.  "No.  I'm confident we will succeed."

She regarded me thoughtfully.  "You put on a very brave front for us all.  I know you feel you must – you are the Commander; the Leader; the Example."  My head turned quickly to her.  How could she know so precisely what I told myself when I needed to project strength?  "And perhaps you are correct.  But you need not do so for me.  I have lived a thousand years, and I am not afraid to die.  If I die in your cause, I will do so honorably and without regret."

She paused, and I could feel her eyes on me.  "Shepard, I fear you have no one to talk to, no one to lean on for support.  I do not presume to believe I can be your support.  But I would like to listen, if you would like to talk."

I swallowed reflexively and looked back out the window.  I so desperately needed to talk.    

My voice was soft, quiet.  "I don't know if I can do this.  When I was chasing Saren, I had the authority of the Council, the Alliance; I was the anointed weapon of our very civilization.  Until the end anyway – and that happened so fast, it was a whirlwind; I was running on adrenaline and righteous anger.  All the way to the end.  But now…"

I sighed.  "But now, nothing is clear, and I have all the time in the world to think about that fact.  We have all the team members we're going to get now; we know where to get the IFF.  But I feel frozen.  There's so much I still don't understand.  Why the Collectors are jonesing so badly for my body.  When the Illusive Man will try to stab me in the back.  What the Illusive Man did to me that my brain can be hacked by an AI-human hybrid.  Why the Reapers are using the Collectors to collect hundreds of thousands of humans.  What's on the other side of the Omega 4 Relay."

I looked over at her then.  "I'm flying blind, and I don't know a way to find the answers.  Before, I was absolutely convinced of the rightness of my cause, and I utterly believed in my ability to succeed.  But now…I just don't know."

Samara gazed out the window.  "I know it is a bitter pill to swallow, especially for one so…willful…as yourself, but you do not need to know all the answers in order to know the path to follow.  Trust your heart, trust your instincts, and you will see the way."  

She looked back at me.  "I know that you are not perfect; that you are not invincible.  Even without you telling me, I know that you have moments of weakness, of doubt.  But you are utterly unlike anyone I have ever known.  The very galaxy seems to bend itself in your direction.  I believe in the rightness of your cause, Shepard.  Not because the Code tells me it is right, but because I know it is right.  And I believe in you."

I reached over and hugged her impulsively.  "Thank you, Samara.  I can ask for nothing more.  And thank you for listening."  

I looked over her shoulder as the brilliant sun passed beyond our view and smiled.  "I feel…better."